What makes for quality discipleship? What are the things within a discipleship relationship that produce real growth and make for an enjoyable, satisfying discipleship experience?

The four Gospels offer fascinating answers when you consider two things:

• What did Jesus impart to His disciples, and how did He do it?
• He imparted to them His compassion for the lost and the necessity of servanthood.
• He demonstrated the importance of His relationship with the Father, and even how to pray.

Now consider how He did that –

• He imparted these things while teaching in a large group setting
• He told stories to illustrate the kingdom of God;
• He modeled ministry at the very feet of His disciples.

Mark 3:13-14 describes Jesus’ method of discipleship:

“…He went up to the mountain and summoned those whom He Himself wanted, and they came to Him. And He appointed twelve, that they might be with Him, and that He might send them out to preach.”

Jesus selected these 12 to spend the next two and a half years with Him, to go wherever He went, and to be sent out into the ministry eventually. Jesus’ example is the very nature of discipleship we hope to model.

Here are three components of quality discipleship.

Keys to Relationship Building

It seems that Jesus’s first goal was to get involved in people’s lives. When you disciple someone, you’re not taking on a project; you’re investing in a person.

Consider this classic passage, in which Paul vividly describes his heart for the people in whom he invested the city of Thessalonica.

1 Thessalonians 2:7-12,

“Having thus a fond affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the Gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us”

These believers at Thessalonica weren’t just a crowd of people; they weren’t just objects or a project.

• These were people who Paul deeply loved.
• No matter how spiritually gifted you may be or how much theology you know, “People won’t care what you know until they know that you care.”

Here are just five ways to build discipleship relationships:

1. Learn to ask questions –

When you’re diving into someone’s life, move beyond the superficial questions and more deeply into “soul” questions, like,

• What’s going on in your life today?”
• How are you doing in your walk with God?”
• What are you learning from the Lord?”

Ask questions about his or her family.

• What was it like at home?”
• What were your parents like?”
• If you have someone who grew up in a home where her father verbally abused her, then that’ll probably tell you something about what she may need in her life.
• If you’re discipling someone who was sexually abused, that’s something in their life that you’re probably going to walk through with them.

Ask questions about the whole person, not just their ministry.

2. Learn to listen –

It’s just as vital that we learn to listen as it is to ask questions.

• One thing that can make you a notoriously bad disciple is if you sit down with someone and go over your agenda of 10 things you want to tell them.
• It would be best if you came in with a couple of specific things in mind that you want to communicate.

But, first and foremost, you’ve got to listen to what’s going on in their soul.

• If you’re meeting with your disciple, and he’s just had a horrible conversation with his parents, but you’ve planned to dive into another topic, you’ll probably miss something that needs processing.
• Sometimes we have to shut up and listen to where the other person is.

3. Spend relational time together –

Discipleship should include more than just weekly appointments and Bible studies.

• Have them over for dinner,
• play sports together,
• do things that they would enjoy.

This way they see your life outside a discipleship setting. Extra time studying together, going to church together, hanging out, and eating together are ways to build a relationship.

4. Learn to be an encourager –

Did you ever notice how much people like to be encouraged?

• Did you ever notice how much you enjoy being around someone encouraging you?
• That’s an art, a skill.
• Learn to praise someone for the qualities God builds into their life.
• Learn how to identify the good things in a person’s life and praise and affirm them healthily.

5. Demonstrate vulnerability –

If you’re vulnerable and open about what’s going on in your life, sharing your struggles and temptations will make it more accessible for the person you’re discipling to be open.

• If you come across as a perfect disciple with no issues or problems, they will feel that what it means to be a disciple is that you have it all together, just like their disciples.
• No one’s got it all together. So be real and honest about what’s going on in your life.

While ministering at the University of Miami—Ohio, Roger Hershey worked with a guy named Eric. Eric was an African-American man who had grown up in inner-city Cleveland, dealing drugs and hating white men. Roger, who was twenty-five years older than Eric, was Caucasian and grew up on a farm in rural Pennsylvania.

Eric had met the Lord, and the Lord changed his whole life. Roger began discipling Eric his junior year, and Eric became like a son to him. Roger recalls the day as he sat in the dining hall where Eric was an RA, and he said, “Hersh, I want you to know something. Our weekly time together, our discipleship appointment, is my favorite time of the week.”

“Really?” Roger said. “Why is that?”

“Because when we get together every week, I realize this is the safest place I have to be on campus all week long because I know you love me, you believe in me, you’ll encourage me, and you’ll listen to all my junk, and you’ll walk me through my failures and sins, and I know you care.”

Race, age, background—it doesn’t matter. When you move into someone’s life, when you love them and they know it, they will respond.